For anyone who likes to be in control, which is most of us, grief is annoying.
Grief is annoying because it has a way of rearing it's ugly head when you least expect it. Anddd because it never truly goes away. It goes away momentarily but then later comes back. Sometimes as intense as before and sometimes not.
You can never get a hold on it because you never know when or what to expect. For someone like me, this is irritating. I like to check off boxes and then move forward and be done with it. Turns out it doesn't work that way.
My mom passed away (unexpectedly) 5 months ago. The first month was really hard. I allowed myself so much time to heal, cry, and do things that makes me happy.
The second month things started to get a little better. I started focusing on building my business and that brought new, exciting energy. The third month was the same thing.
Then December rolls around. My mom's birthday is in December, plus the holidays, and I was starting to lose it again. It was somewhat unexpected because I was making progress but I tried to lean into it and figured it was pretty normal with the holidays.
And now here we are in January and I'm overall worse off than I was in October/November. It's so frustrating! I'm an achiever and I like to get things done and yet I feel so much sadness inside of me and I can't seem to figure out how to do both.
And I don't want to give into grief! I don't want my grief to win! If I were in control I'd be done with it by now. But I'm not and it doesn't work like that, does it? Who know how long I'll be struggling through this.
They say to look forward to what you want but you can't look forward without dealing with what's going on in the present moment. So that's the journey I'm on.
Everyday is a new day and I have no idea what it'll bring emotionally. I've never felt so out of control of my emotions. And I'm an actress! And I'm someone who loves a good cry but on my terms, I guess.
For the time being it's just me and grief and grief is the driver. That doesn't mean that I'm not right there being the copilot or the annoying backseat driver trying to tell the driver what I want but for now, I submit.
IG @stephygthatsme and @showuptogoup